'Til death do us part

The worst thing that can probably happen to a relationship -- other than having your partner die or turn abusive -- is infidelity.

What's worse: A partner who cheats on you, or one with whom you have irreconcilable differences?

What's the deal breaker for you?

Hands off.

Was telling Anwar that I consciously maintain a distance from my close male friends after they get married. And for that matter, after they are attached, too. (Then again, perhaps the distancing is mutual.) Anwar didn't see why there should be a change with friends who were already there before. To which he got a mini-lecture on "All Men are Bastards" and why I shouldn't be surprised that men don't see the need to "change" things. Guess he realised where that was coming from after I told him about Z Bastard (who, incidentally, just tried his luck again). Heh. But I digress :-D

At the very least, I maintain a physical distance and minimise contact points with the guy's body. I can still talk kok, make crass observations, and confide in my married male friends. But emotionally, I tend to pull back and lean less on them.

From my own perspective, as the girlfriend or wife, would definitely not be comfortable if my partner and his close female friends continued on the same level of physical and emotional intimacy. Nevermind if he already knew them from before -- though it would make it less of an issue for me. The way I see it, why would he need to seek or continue the same level of emotional support elsewhere if it exists in our relationship. (That is, if indeed, it does.) Remember a particular incident where I almost went ballistic when the bear told me, AND with a too-ready smile on his face, that Eve had brushed his stubble to feel what it was like. AND then, he proceeded to brush his own stubble over the next few days, WITH that same smile on his face. Man, I almost ground my teeth to their roots. Took me a while to accept that they would be spending a lot of time together as colleagues.

But maybe, that's just my own hang-up and insecurities.

Then again, maybe not. There was a brief period of time, when I re-established contact with Hans, after hmmm, almost 5 years, and started to exchange frequent SMS and ICQ with him. The bear didn't like it, and in addition to the black bear face with each SMS alert, have also caught him shutting down my ICQ with some waspish excuse that he needed to reboot. Bleah. Double standards. Men.

Blink. Blink.

In continuation.

He wanted to meet. (Yah, you wait long long.) So I asked for his birth time. (If nothing else, it might weird him out enough that he'll avoid me. Hahahaha.) The clown actually asked if I wanted it to plan his marriage. (This one takes the cake.) When I said it was to determine our compatibility, he handed over the information easily. Then I told him that not only was there a "clash", his mere presence would be bad for my health, and that my fortune teller advised me to avoid him like TTSH CDC...because he was married. (With a smiley, of course.)

He said that he had separated and was awaiting the divorce. And then he asked why I had brought this up. As SF said, why didn't HE bring it up earlier?

Ignored his subsequent attempts to talk; he must also have several questions on his mind by then. Anyway, the best way to handle a control freak is to deny him, wouldn't you say?

How soon?

The question is: How soon do you need to know?

Is it possible to balance the need for honesty without scaring away a romantic interest, and the risk of the latter finding it out for himself / herself?

If you have definite intentions and they are noble ones, there is no such thing as "too soon". It is merely a status that you carry. There is nothing to be ashamed of, or to hide (unless you do have something to hide). In fact, this can be mentioned casually, as a by-the-way, slipped into the conversation. E.g. "Sorry I'm late, had to see the divorce lawyer." Something like that, you know.

So I think it should be ASAP. Thank you very much.

I blinked.

All men are bastards. Especially Librans.

When SF first told me on Wednesday, I just went numb. Didn't think such things could happen, AGAIN -- albeit I'm now on the other side of the fence. And then an overwhelming sense of filth arose within me, and I just wanted to totally disassociate myself from the guy. Spent the rest of the day avoiding all walking and talking testosterone.

After last year's break-up, told myself that would never be a third party, under no circumstance, as long as I was in the know. Didn't want to be the cause (or part) of the same crap that I had gone through -- I know how it feels. In any case, one should make a clean break from the past, before moving on to the future. There is no need to subject your estranged partner to the additional pain of infidelity, is there?

Yesterday, I got the confirmation that I needed. Even then, I was more numb than pissed. Why me? Why?

So it's just been some "harmless" flirting. Heck, we haven't even met yet -- though we almost did. We were acquainted back in the University, and I can't quite remember what he looked like. Recently, we had reason to talk again because of work.

But "harmless" or otherwise, sure didn't think a married man could be quite so blatant with affectionate messages and offers to give me a lift to work, especially when his workplace, and mind you, his colleagues, would be just next door. It's a small community. Everyone knows mostly everyone else.

On hindsight, his approach was strange: the initial unexplained enthusiasm (our last contact was a brief moment more than a year ago, and even then, don't think we actually got to meet in person), then the "hot" and "cold" treatments, and the erratic responses. Was perplexed about the "games", but thought it'll be fun to play along for the while.

Serendipity?

Was doing the usual background check, and what do you know, dug out someone who knew him from long time ago, through my friend. And man, did I get the low-down on the bastard. You know, I could have known all this 3 weeks earlier -- but hadn't felt compelled to ask then. According to the ghost from his past, he was a two-timer (and more) even back then. And everything she said about him, is exactly what I'm getting from him now, the confusing signals and control freak behaviour. Leopards don't change their spots, I guess. Heck, maybe the erratic responses was because he was chatting up other women simultaneously -- did get a misfired SMS from him.

Still don't know why he started the flirting. SF thought he could have seen me recently. Shrug. Or perhaps he hadn't, and was just using his "charm" to get a favour. (Funny how my new title has been giving a few people funny ideas.) Or maybe he's just an indiscriminate "buaya". Hmmm, haven't used that word in a long while. Laugh. Anyway, what a dent for my ego.

On another note, it's a good thing that I went through the whole episode with my lesson on Patience in mind, and didn't jump in as fast as I usually would have. And also, perhaps, I was meant to feel and "assess" him for myself, before getting that interesting history lesson on his past, and still ongoing, misdeeds.

So, I'm on the platform. The train is still there. But I ain't boarding.

What now?

My friends have suggested tipping off the wife. But is she so clueless? OK, maybe. So what? Is it my business to tip her off?

Or worse, has she simply been closing an eye?

I remember the bear telling me about his married colleague, who before marriage, decided with her husband-to-be that they should both date other people, so that they would know whether they still wanted to marry each other. They had also set the ground rules for this "seeing other people" period -- everything but sex. For the record, they did get married to each other eventually.

So, the bear told me on TWO occasions, after he cheated on me, that he wanted to see other people, so that he would know, for sure, whether there was something BETTER out there. So much for my ego, eh? And you know, I don't actually remember him explicity saying anything about ME doing it too -- he seemed more interested about his own explorations.

And my point would be? Maybe the wife knows, eh?

OK, maybe not. Shrug.

I just want him to leave me alone, is what I want now. Let him figure out my silence, that I've caught on to his past, AND present.

What if he pushes his luck? Then, I guess he'll just have to eat cake. Maybe send him an intentionally misfired SMS? Snicker.

Anyway, he's been renamed to "Z Bastard" in my address book. So the next time another message comes in...heh...heh...

Lessons learnt.

All men are bastards.

Especially Librans.

What next?

Learn to trust. Again.

Don't blink now! [edited]

Still have a long way to go in my lesson on the virtue of Patience. (Arians are not known for it, anyhow.) But it's never too late to learn. Life's lessons have no end: the world is our classroom; time is the discipline master who never sleeps; and we are our own teachers and students.

There is also Courage. Courage to do. AND Courage to *not* do -- which IMHO, is under-rated.

Was irritated with my friend's growing obsession with my "passivity" in handling recent romantic opportunities, and her insistence that I should make the first definitive move, i.e. ask the guy for a date. Hallo???

And then, there was the "what if". What if in choosing to walk, I miss the train? Well, if the train were meant for me, it would wait for me. If it were not, then even if I had run, and caught up with the train, I would not have been able to board the train, for whatever reasons.

If you would open every single door, if you could, to devour every morsel of life, is that Courage? Or just being "kiasu"? Could there not also be Courage in living with the knowledge that some doors needn't (or shouldn't) be opened; that you win some, and you lose some. Would you then open a door because you are more fearful of what you are potentially losing out on, if you had not opened the door? So, one lifetime may not be enough to see and do everything there is to do, but can we not live with life's little disappointments and move on? Na2 De2 Qi3 Fang4 De2 Xia4. No regrets.

"If it's yours, it'll come to you. If it's not yours, it was never meant to be."

I'm learning to have the Patience to wait it out. And I ain't blinking.